I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.