Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom
Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!
Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom