Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules