I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.