“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
shit, they caught us—run!!!