I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
A small tragedy.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.