I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.


“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?


Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..


DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party


I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes


Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car


Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!


So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?