I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“How’s your day going?”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.