I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

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[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.


Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…


My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.


So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY


Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!


Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar


Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.


Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them