[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]
Me: This is not what I expected.
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
You Might Also Like
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them