@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

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@shadonium

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

@yonewt

*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

@Grommit56

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

@adamgreattweet

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

@stevevsninjas

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@thecrabbyhook

Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.