@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@cloudypianos

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

@TedOfficialPage

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

@KPMoore8

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

@TealSather

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

@T_Bonezzz_

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

@Dawn_M_

“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”