I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

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Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!


*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps


Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.


This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.


My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks


Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.


Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.



Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.