made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You Might Also Like
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
they split up moments later
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My therapist after every session
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
All set.