I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
sounds kinky. i’m in.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…