I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.