My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.
If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours
Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..