@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

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@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@rolldiggity

1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him

@murrman5

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

@NervousJr

Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.

@jen_says_nah

If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours

Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..

*pizza stays

*happy tears