Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A male goth is called a broth.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁