I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?