Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
*she makes eye contact*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
How is twitter still free 😂😂
I don’t see enough dead people.
I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!
I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.
Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something