@ADDiane

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

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@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

@DanMentos

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

@iloveskyrim71

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.

@robdelaney

Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.

@jordan_stratton

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

@nyquills

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight