I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

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Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.


Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer


Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.


She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore


ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now


This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p


*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets