I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”