I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.