I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?


Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”


I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!


My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?


[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)


Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos