that wasn’t the question
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
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Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.