@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@ihoplollipop

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

@AmishPornStar1

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

@MNateShyamalan

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@caperbc75

Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”

@YuckyTom

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

@TheBoydP

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.