I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
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Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u
join me in holy matrimony you coward
*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times