Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
How to properly lift a body
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
omg leave her alone
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.