Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You Might Also Like
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I have so many questions.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL