@hgracestewart

I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

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@wittwitbarista

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

@TheBoydP

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@Spaziotwat

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

@PinkCamoTO

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

@KayRants

I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.