I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.


Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.


For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever


When someone says “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you”, I’m wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.