I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Good dog. ❤️
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same