I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”