I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
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when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*lint rolls you awake*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.