I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…