I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.


“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”


People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.


I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos


36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.


[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…


“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]


14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.