I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum