I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

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*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees


“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.


It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”


They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.


Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!


Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan


coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful


Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one


Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards


Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.