I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Jesus Christ lmao
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.