I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You Might Also Like
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?