Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again