“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda