Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic
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Now I’m REALLY glad Monica chose Chandler over Richard.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%