If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked