@Donna_McCoy

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

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@c_puzzler

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@Kennedydp5

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

@LuvPug

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

@PleaseBeGneiss

My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there

@thesulk

Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.