I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I put the hot in psychotic.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.