I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.


wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english


CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.


I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps


My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there


Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.


Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.