I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

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[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer


I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.


Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.


Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.


For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.


People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?