I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

You Might Also Like


i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.


Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT


Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…


What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.


[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?


It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus