I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Y’all know who you are.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no