@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

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@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@pinupteacher

Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@chris_isloi

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus