Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

still the best tweet of the year by far

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

What?

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this