Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Traveler’s camo
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.