I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
me after drinking all the wine:
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
🙄😏😂🤣
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”