I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Good morning y’all ☀️
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Canadian owl: Eh?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day