I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“What movie?” 🤔
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts