I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
How your email finds me
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?