Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
What a website