@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

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@GingerHotDish

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

@Concertina81

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@markhoppus

I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”

@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.