I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”
If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.