@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

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@ArfMeasures

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@evanR39

Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.

@nerdreign

I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.

@david8hughes

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*