@ozzyunc

I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.

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@MalcInYourWife

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

@_ShutUpKate

*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”

@MaraWilson

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

@BedheadBunny

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@dog_feelings

the human got a new pair of glasses. and to make sure they look good. they
put them on me. this is not a valid
experiment. everything looks good on me

@McNevich

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING

@SufficientCharm

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

@beccafacexo

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.