once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl
Me: Okay, I can work with this.
The struggle is real.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.