I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.

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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.


wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken


DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.


Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot


My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.


[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight


Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.