I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.

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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.


*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”


CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap


For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.


Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.


the human got a new pair of glasses. and to make sure they look good. they
put them on me. this is not a valid
experiment. everything looks good on me


Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.