@Gupton68

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

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@AimeeHelene1

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

@ThaJawn

(rap battle)

Dr Seuss: *grabs mic

Everyone Else: *quits

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@TuSoonShakur

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@Dani_Feld

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout