I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.