I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That’s my signature.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Dr Seuss: *grabs mic
Everyone Else: *quits
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout