I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember