I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
new career option?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
WHY?!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.