I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’d love this…lol
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.