@LousyLibrarian

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@robfee

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@WheelTod

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@mcclure111

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

@DrCephalopod

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”