I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring