Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are