I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.