@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

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@peeznuts

-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.

@generalslug

love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass

@FrazzleMyGimp

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

@c_always_wright

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

@Parkerlawyer

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

@Marlebean

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

@JohnFDaley

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

@ArfMeasures

ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.