I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.