I unironically love this joke.
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases