@livingnBoston

I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!

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@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

@ModelWithACause

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@FeelingEuphoric

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

@KenJennings

Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@david8hughes

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean