I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean