Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
What personal space?
My dog
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container