I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Oh my god
pep talk
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”